All kids push the boundaries and test limits from time to time. It's part of their job as they develop into teens and adults--to learn what behavior is acceptable in different contexts. It is the adult's job to help identify what the boundaries are and be consistent with them. This structure helps children feel secure because they know what is expected of them. When adults follow through on what limits they have set, this fosters trust with the child that the adult means what they say.
Identifying appropriate limits and being consistent with them are some of the most common challenges that parents face with their children. This is particularly true when children are transitioning to a new developmental stage, as it requires the parents to adapt their boundaries. Time-outs tend to be ineffective with teenagers, don't they?
The first step in setting limits is ensuring everyone in the family knows the rules and expectations. Sometimes it can be helpful to narrow these down to simple phrases that are easy for younger children to remember, such as, "We are kind with our words and our hands," or, "We sit down to eat."
When these expectations are not met, the most appropriate consequences should flow naturally:
"We are kind with our words and our hands." --> "You and your brother need some space from each other until your hands remember to be kind."
"We sit down to eat." --> "When you get up from the table, that tells me you are finished with your plate."
As children age and mature, it is appropriate to involve them more in family conversations and invite their input about rules and consequences. You might be surprised at some of the great ideas that pre-teens and adolescents can come up with!
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